my journal
this is a place for me to document my feelings, deepest
desires and secrets that even the people
around me don't know.
a warning before you read:
my entries are extremely embarrassing, so turn away now if
you're not in the mood to read the cries of help of an angsty teenager.
may 6th, 2025
this entry is a lot longer than most and very, very personal.
love is an extremely delicate thing to me, an escape of sorts. when i have a love
interest, i do everything in my power to change myself to their liking.
(even if they don't exist in this world, lol)
i hate it! i know it comes from a place of deep self-worth issues.
but what if i don't have low self-esteem? what if i really
am the most miserable, worthless human to ever exist?
my mind has been extremely loud for the past couple of days.
don't know how to make all of this even a little more quiet.
i'm scared to stay here.
okay i'm about to unravel a secret about myself to you. ready?
i used to take birth control. i guess it's pretty taboo that's why i'm so scared to say it.
not for contraceptive reasons, my mom took me to a gyno because she was scared
i'd bleed out because of my heavy ass flow lol. i stopped taking them,
and that caused a huge gust of hormones to flow through my body. it still affects
me to this day. i have awful mood swings and suicidal thoughts. i just want to die.
if that wasn't clear already. i really, really do. but suicide is very restricted where i live.
i look for a gun to shoot myself with. can't. strict gun laws. look for a rope to hang
myself with. CAN'T. it seems to not exist when i want to end this miserable life.
i just want to go out. in a peaceful way. living just isn't for me.
april 29th, 2025
i miss him. my heart aches for him. what's worse is that he would've despised me.
anyways, it's my birthday. doesn't really feel like it when you have no friends to
celebrate with.
april 20th, 2025
april 15th, 2025
miss you.. :( i think about you every day.
april 11th, 2025
my soul is tired. i think it needs rest.
april 9th, 2025
i think i just get into my own head too much. i am comforted by my own sadness.
sometimes i just feel like there's this invisible wall between me and the people
around me. it's a weird fucking feeling. i don't know. like my own body is a
prison cell. it's restricting me. no matter what i always feel so alone.
i just can't shake this feeling off. it follows me wherever i go.
april 5th, 2025
i don't belong here. i don't belong in this world. no place, no person seems to be truly accepting of me.
i'm going crazy. i just wish someone would love me as i am. love me unconditionally.
i am disgusting and i deserve to rot 6 feet under.
the more i learn about this world the less i want to live in it.
march 26th, 2025
nothing ever helps.
im starting to think this emptiness just comes with the shitty thing we're given called life.
i think i will never be happy while i'm on this earth. true peace only comes with dying.
march 21st, 2025
i know i will leave this place soon.
very soon. a couple of months and i'll be gone. i feel like my soul is rotten. like i have lived longer
than i am supposed to. i hope death welcomes me with open arms. i guess nothing matters now,
since i'll be dead anyway.if, by some way, heaven and hell are real, i am destined to burn.
i wonder if anyone actually reads this.. probably not. who
would want to torture themselves?
march 16th, 2025
every single place in the world is flawed. theres no place for me to go
to where i am truly accepted and where i truly belong.
i hate living. i can't fucking wait to die.
march 10th, 2025
i don't care if it hurts,
i wanna have control.
i want a perfect body.
i want a perfect soul.
god how i hate my body. i hope i can make it through today while starving.
i hope my parents don't notice. my excuses to not eat are bullshit.
march 5th, 2025
"nothing can stop me now, 'cause i don't care anymore"
living while knowing you can kill yourself if it gets too hard is very comforting. death is comforting.
i wish life was as comforting as death. but it's not. i have a privilleged life too. maybe i just
need to be more grateful instead of whining on this fuckass site lmao. my medication isn't working.
everyone believes im getting better... i'm not. i still have this hole in my chest and i always will.
there's nothing i can do about it.
march 1st, 2025
i either kill myself or learn to live with this emptiness in my chest. i know i don't have a future.
i hate everything about myself. living doesn't seem so hard for others. then why is it for me? when
i try to picture my future i see pitch black. living is inherently suffering. suicide is the escape.
why is suicide so demonized? i don't think my absence will affect anyone anyway. i just wish i knew
how to be normal. god i hate thissssssssssss
february 27th, 2025
i have this feeling deep down that nobody really likes me. from what i can remember,
i have always felt so. different. i've always been more sensitive than other kids.
why am i the only one who cares? about anything really. in my countries culture
there's this deeply rooted "not giving a single shit about anything". i have never felt
like i belong here. but everywhere i look it's all the same. the world just sucks.
i was born with an ache in my chest that nobody else seems to have.
"and when i find that a knife sticking out of my side, i'll pull it out without questioning why"