school starts soon for me. four days to be exact. to say i'm not ready would be an understatement. i really really don't want to go. it's a new school too, but i was still previously classmates witha a lot of my soon to be ones. it's my last year anyways lol, who cares.

thought dump i probably shouldn't be posting on the internet:
i want to die. it's not a matter of if but rather a matter of when. and no, there's nothing "hidden" beneath that. i want to experience true peace and rest that life just doesn't offer. especially not with a mind like mine.

i know exactly what i'm doing. i'm not in a psychotic episode or anything of the sort. i'm just sick of this.

i'm alone and it's all my fault.

i promised to myself to take a break from my site and just let myself enjoy summer break. however i just tend to be the person who has to give themselves to something. because of that i thought of giving myself to a god or religion or any kind of spirituality but i just can't. i don't tend to be the most logical and rational person, yet i still don't have any faith. i see the cruelties of the world and i came to believe that whatever god may exist made a big mistake when making me, as i just am too weak to handle it. i'm serious. i may talk others out of suicide, or try to, yet i don't see why i do it. i mean, i don't want people to die. but at the same time i always think there should be a choice. all i'm given is "the world is cruel, deal with it." and yet suicide is so strongly discouraged by them. why. why must i endure. i am not stronger than this. there was just a deep technical difficulty to making me and who i am as a person. i just seem to think there isn't any reason to why i'm here. am i calling myself worthless? yeah. worthless and sensitive and just a very difficult person overrall.
there seems to be big pain woven into even the idea of existence for me. existence as a human. it makes me uncomfortable. i feel violated by it. not in the literal sense. but ugh god i just long for the nothingness of it. i feel so incredibly weak and i am insecure of the fragility i hold. both mentally and physically. recently, i've been having a hard time with my body. yes i seem to care about shallow things like that too. i already hate my insides and yet, the physical outer shell i'm in is just so disgusting.
i'm not going to sugarcoat it. i'm definitely on the overweight side. i'm thinking of taking measures to lose weight. no matter how much they will destroy me in the end. as i said, i need something to give myself to. oh well. whatever.
i also just seem to not be able to live with myself. i need somebody to lean on. whether they're a fictional character or a singer or a youtuber or anything. anyone. i don't know. it probaby comes from loneliness, but yet it's all my fault, isn't it? i am the one to push them away.
seriously, i should vent about my issuess somewhere else. i don't know why i'm doing this here. it's a lot easier to pour them out here rather than actually talk to someone who will flinch at my sadness and lock me up you know where. they just give me medicine hoping i'll forget. oh fucking no. trust me, i see the rot. there is no antidepressant that will make me numb to the weight of reality.

i re-did this page with my older entries and i noticed how much pain i've been carrying... i've felt this ache forever now. i don't even think it's a disorder or anything of the sort i'm just rather convinced that i have this sadder part to my personality and who i am as a person. oh well...

on a happier note, i'm really glad people enjoy my website. every time i get a guestbook comment or a new follow i get a seratonin boost lol.

i'm so sick and tired of everything. i'm so tired of not fitting in anywhere.

i'm so tired from this fucking dread i feel every day. awareness drives you crazy. being aware of the cruelties this world offers, both in nature and in society will drive you insane. like actually fucking crazy. it's agony. just pure fucking agony. and it never gets better unless you conform and become numb.

my pain doesn't make me special.
i'll just be forgotten.

i'm tired of pretending. the world is so dark and i genuinely can't bear it. just the innate act of existence is not only exhausting, but also so agonising and torturous. however put us here clearly wanted us to suffer. i can't stop feeling like i don't belong anywhere. not to the darkness. not to the light. and clearly others have it a lot worse, so that just means that i will not feel better ever. it's my own head that's a war and it is the outside world that is in war. no kind of medication will make me forget how it sucks to be born in this world. i hope death is truly an escape and not just another trap.
it hurts. it always has.

sleep doesn't fix this tiredness. it's a soul-deep exhaustion. i often dream about the next day and the possibilities and i realise that that's the worst nightmare of all. reality. i have done everything to try and escape it. but if living is just an escape from reality, then what's the point? sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep and never have to wake up ever again. every day is exactly the same. i thought death would be an escape, but when i was met with the possibility of reincarnation or any afterlife at all, i panicked. i don't want to do this ever again. especially if there's a chance i'll have to live an even worse life. whatever. thanks for tuning into my whining...

why am i never enough?

i want to be loved more than i want to be alive.

love is an extremely delicate thing to me, an escape of sorts. when i have a love interest, i do everything in my power to change myself to their liking. (even if they don't exist in this world, lol) i hate it! i know it comes from a place of deep self-worth issues. but what if i don't have low self-esteem? what if i really am the most miserable, worthless human to ever exist?
my mind has been extremely loud for the past couple of days. don't know how to make all of this even a little more quiet. i'm scared to stay here.

it's my birthday. doesn't really feel like it when you have no friends to celebrate with.

miss you.. :( i think about you every day.

my soul is tired. i think it needs rest.

i think i just get into my own head too much. i am comforted by my own sadness. sometimes i just feel like there's this invisible wall between me and the people around me. it's a weird fucking feeling. i don't know. like my own body is a prison cell. it's restricting me. no matter what i always feel so alone. i just can't shake this feeling off. it follows me wherever i go.

i don't belong here. i don't belong in this world. no place, no person seems to be truly accepting of me. i'm going crazy. i just wish someone would love me as i am. love me unconditionally. i am disgusting and i deserve to rot 6 feet under. the more i learn about this world the less i want to live in it.

nothing ever helps. im starting to think this emptiness just comes with the shitty thing we're given called life. i think i will never be happy while i'm on this earth. true peace only comes with dying.

every single place in the world is flawed. theres no place for me to go to where i am truly accepted and where i truly belong. i hate living. i can't fucking wait to die.

god how i hate my body. i hope i can make it through today while starving. i hope my parents don't notice. my excuses to not eat are bullshit.

living doesn't seem so hard for others. then why is it for me?

i have this feeling deep down that nobody really likes me. from what i can remember, i have always felt so. different. i've always been more sensitive than other kids. why am i the only one who cares? about anything really. in my countries culture there's this deeply rooted "not giving a single shit about anything". but everywhere i look it's all the same. the world is just fundamentally broken. i was born with an ache in my chest that nobody else seems to have.